Missing You

Thinking of you and missing you Mom...I feel that you are in heaven watching over me which gives me comfort and the special Love from you...I Love you and forever will 💖💖💖

A pleasant...quiet day...

     I feel much better today, and I am not in severe pain as I was before today. Although I was a little frustrated last night, Anisah had helped me overcome my frustrations by making me laugh; I had to apologize to her for some things that I said pertaining to motherhood and being a single parent for so long. I was at my wits end, and even though she said those exact same words to me, reality had to set in for me to realize that I may be taking out my frustrations on my children instead of addressing the person/s who caused the frustration/s.

     It has really been difficult being a single parent for a long time, and sometimes I do feel weary and worn out within my soul. I would never trade my children for any other children, and although I want them to be able to survive without relying on anyone else, I also want them to be able to prosper and enjoy being united as a family instead of being a single parent for such a long time.

     My children has made feel content and confident when it comes to them trusting that I can manage and maintain a home, and they appear to be proud that I am their mother. I fuss and get hyped when communicating with them at times, but I also remind them that I speak as if I am the mother (fussing) and the father (hyped) when maintaining order and control in a one parent household. I am not sure if they understand my reason or my purpose for "keeping them together", but they must always be able to focus on what's important when it comes to strengthening a family and growing as a unit.

     We may not always agree about everything, but I admire the fact that we agree to disagree on various topics and subjects when sharing our intelligence with one another. I am happy to be a mom, and life would be really boring without them.

A beautiful day...

     Today was an interesting day, and although I waited for over three hours at an appt. today, I still shook my doctor's hand with respect and regard to his apologies about being late. He took the time to explain and listen to the concerns that I had about his explanations, and he appeared to be so relaxed and not in a hurry that I began to become more relaxed; although I was in severe pain after sitting for so long.

     I began to appreciate this doctor because he did not rush me although he had many patients waiting to be seen, but because I was his first patient, he took the time to show empathy towards me and my concerns. That long ride home on the G bus was worth the trip, and when I rode past my old block (58th & Willows Ave.) and my Elementary School (Longstreth Elementary), it did not appear as dreary and sad as when I rode past them both a few hours before.


     In the end, I thanked God for allowing me to endure the discomfort that I felt, and I also thanked him for allowing me to be alright when overcoming my concerns for the day. I appreciate each day as if it is a new day and a new beginning, and even though some days will be difficult, I know that he would not place anything on me that I can not bare; if he brought me to it, he will bring me through it.

     Today was a good day, although it appeared to be difficult at first.

Today is the day...that I began to write...

     I have decided that this would be the best time to write about any moments or about any thoughts that occur on a daily basis for me, and I want to give thanks to my daughter Anisah (Lil Carol) for encouraging me to blog and to express my inner most thoughts as often as I can...

     I started feeling a revelation in my life, and I started thinking about my purpose and my reason for being where I am...at this time in my life.  I have learned that although my initial thoughts, my specific agenda and/or certain path in life would get me where I needed to be, I realized only recently that it would never be a part of the plan that God intended for me, and I am so thankful for the courage and the motivation that was forced into me in order to make a change and evolve.

     As I look around, and I notice some of my challenges, I realize that I have aspired to be a better person because of them, and that life would not have been the same had I not faced them head on. Being fixed and determined can be a tiring-some thing, but without this great characteristic, I would not have made it this far to be who I am today. Being stubborn for the greater cause or even for striving for the end to my means, has made a difference for me in many ways, and sometimes my stubbornness has led me to believe that I may have lost out on certain opportunities...and then I still beg to differ on certain ones.

     Sometimes I believe that I have miraculously made it through some of the most evil and heart-wrenching times more than any one could ever imagine, and sometimes I know that people would never believe that I have survived through so much strife with the way that I carry myself, but from the time I was a child waking up hours later from a praying position (crying while on my knees), I knew there was a God before Man could ever tell me about him, and when I woke up healed and happy that I did not have to tell my parents or my older siblings that I needed to go to the hospital, I was grateful that he answered my prayers and took my pain away.

     I feel like that about certain people and certain places today, and I am glad that God has brought me to a time where I am able to face my past and build upon a better future knowing that he is here all along...and I am not afraid.

What are you telling me?

I had another dream...this time it was regarding my childhood home that I was hesitant to leave. My mother and I walked into the home, and there were some guys directing renovation; which consisted of money green and off white designs with bibles inbedded in the pillars... and the borders of the wall were green and off white also. When entering the hall and seeing the stairway to the third floor, the walls became decrepit and were falling apart. There were old documents with our family name, and my mom and I began to fight for our home when the guy disrespected us; telling us that he paid money to someone in the family that sold it to them...things got heated when he called my mother and I "bi****, and I lost control. In the end, he gave my mother and I a bundle of money (the amount he paid for the home), and he returned the home to us. My mother called my grandmother and told her which part of the house she can have, and we had called my dad for his input about our ownership...it was confirmed through him that we were all entitled even if one member betrayed us. I feel my mother at this time...she is sending me a message...my past is decrepit, but there are some parts that I will take with me...and it is time to leave the pain behind...

An epiphany...

I had a dream...that my mom was waiting at a bus stop after I was shot by an unknown man (different culture), and although I did not feel pain at first, I felt a numbness that radiated through my whole left side, but when I came upon her, the pain was relevant and real...once she hugged me and told me that everything would be alright...I knew that it was time to accept that she was gone; but she still watches over me...I am starting this blog out in remembrance of her because she is the reason for my being...and my journey on from here...she was angelic and humble more than I can ever imagine, but I will take her characteristics with me along my journey...I will become a part of her personality...and even more...I will make her proud...forever more...to Sybil Louise who was known as "Angel"...this will always become a footprint from you...I love you Mom, and I will never forget you or your struggles, but I will make you proud according to your subcultural beliefs and practices...

Carolyn Billups